The End of the World as we Know It
by Dancing Wolf
Summary: This is the weirdest story I've written yet. I'm really not quite sure how to explain it. Oh well. Enjoy! r


**The End of the World as we Know It**

**Well yes we all know Edward was trapped in London. That's all good. No I haven't seen the movie so I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. This is my version of what I think is going to happen. If you don't like it…….then how about a nice tall glass of GO TO HELL? **

It is here where it all began Istanbul was Constantinople now its Istanbul not Constantinople, so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it I can't say. I guess people just liked it better that way. I actually just say that because I forgot what town they came from. Oh well. Well yeah they got Ed back and were going back to where the hell ever they come from. Hobos….No I'm just kidding they went back to Winry's house. When they got there she came to the door. She looked different. One of her eyes was black, and she was all bruised up. "Ed! Al! Your back!" Winry said happily. "What the hell happened to you? You look like you got hit by a truck!" Edward said with concern. "I got married. I would like you to meet my lovely husband Vincent. YO VINNY!" "What you stupid bitch?" Winry's supposed husband answered. "Get yo bitch ass in dat kitchen and make me a sandwich! Make it how I like it! With Tuna, pickles, and peanut butter!" Ed and Al looked at each other astonished. Ed and Al walked in the house after Winry. "What happen to the short old hag, and the dog?" Ed teased. "One of them died of rabies and the other died an unexpected death." Winry said while fixing her husband his sandwich. "Witch one died the unexpected death?" Al asked curiously. "The dog. He was attacked and killed by rabid weasels. They were comin outta the light fixtures! I'm surprised anyone mad it out." Ed and Al had some of those classic FMA looks on their faces. "Here you go you fat bastard!" Winry said as she threw the sandwich to a lumpy blob on the couch. Ed and Al were like WTF! "That's a person?" Al just busts out, "LUMPY!" and runs over and starts poking the lump rapidly. "Stop you little brat!" The lump shouted. "HOLY SHIT ITS ALVIE!" Al screamed. "Yeah. He is my husband." "You're lumpy." Edward said half dazed. "Shut up kid! I'm not lumpy?" "Then what do you call it? LARD?" "Winry get the baking soda!" "NOOOOOO!" Screamed Ed "Not that anything but baking soda!" Ed ran and coward behind Al. Then out of nowhere this random Baking soda salesman walks up and starts talking about baking soda. "It can wash dishes it can reduce odors, it can wash clothes, it can kill your mother- in- law, and anything else you can think of!" "What the hell?" Ed and Al said at the same time. Ed started to cower in fear behind Al. "I don't like baking soda. It gave me nightmares. It was after me. So much toilet paper!" "Ed we are just going to forget about what you just said. Cause I don't think any of us want to know." Al said slowly moving away from his brother. "Winry, I have a confession to make." Lumpy said. "I'm not really a lump. I'm a man." Lumpy pulled off a suit and he was no longer a lump. He was a sexy beast. "Ok. I lied. I'm not really a man I'm a woman." He once again pulled off a suite to reveal a very hot woman in a bathing suit. Ed and Al's noses started to bleed. Winry smacked both of them. "SHE"S MIINE!" Winry said. Ed and Al looked at Winry like OMFG. "Ok. I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse." A sick flea bitten horse was in front of them. Winry was sad. "I'm not really a horse I'm an evil robot chicken born in a test tube on Uranus! I've come to destroy you. You know too much. NOW PERISH!" The chicken started shooting lazer beams from its eyes. It shot hundreds of lasers. It was finally done it was out of ammo. It exploded. Ed, Al, and Winry opened their eyes. They were still alive. "Holy shit. It missed." Al said. Ed started to laugh and he clapped his hands-BOOM! Ed had accidentally done alchemy and blown Al into the wall. Al was dead. "MY HUSBAND IS GONE!" Winry cried. Ed left the house to go find Winry some help. Al came back to life randomly because he wanted to shut up. Al walked up to his brother. "Hey." Ed almost crapped himself. "I'm going to the pharmacy to find Winry something to help her cope with her feelings." Ed said. "Ok I'll come with you." Al said. They soon reached the pharmacy. Edward walked up to the clerk and asked, "My friend seems depressed. Do you have something that can help her?" Ed asked nicely. "Yes sir I do. One moment please." The man walked into the back room for a few minutes, and then walked back out. "Here you go sir." the man said. Edward looked down at his hand the clerk had given him Baking soda. "NOOOO!" Ed just threw the baking soda on Al and Edward curled up into an ass ball muttering something about toilet paper. "C'mon Ed you baby." Al said dragging Edward along still holding the baking soda. They walked up to the house and opened the door. Winry was sitting on the couch watching soap opera's on the TV and eating ice cream with a shovel. She looked lumpier than her husband was. Al walked over to Winry and poured the baking soda on her. "NOOOO! I'm melting! What a world! What a world!" Winry was reduce to a puddle on the ground. "SILLY PUTTY!" Al jumped over to the puddle and started poking it. "Al, we just killed Winry." "Al looked up from poking the silly putty. "MINE mine mine!" Al said starting to foam at the mouth a bit. Al jumps on Ed's head and starts chewing on it. Ed went unconscious. He woke up a few days later in Central. Al was tied up still foaming at the mouth. One of his eyes was small and the other looked like it was about to bulge out of his head. "What's going on here?" Ed said curiously. Then he noticed he was tied to the bed. Soon a shadow appeared before him. He didn't time to see who it was before he was blindfolded. "Hello Edward." "Mustang?" Edward said. Then mustang took the blind fold off of him. "I was just tryin to scare you." Mustang laughed and untied Edward. you all thought Ed was about to get raped didn't you? Get your mind out of the gutter! "You must be hungry." Mustang said. "yeah." Edward said. "Your brother has gone completely insane…I'm afraid were going to have to put him down." "NO! You cant kill Al!" "I'm sorry Edward we must." Mustang said with loving eyes. "Oh well Ed finally agreed. It was him and his stupid self that went insane anyways." "EDWARD HOW COULD YOU? I'm going to come back and haunt you like there ain't no tomorrow!" Al said. They poked a needle in his butt and he died. Yes he died just like that no big scene or anything. You got something to say come say it to my face man STAY BACK! I'LL CUT YOU! Yea yeah Al is dead you wanna fight about it? Ed I know you're sad I know something that always makes me feel better." Mustang said and sat on the bed next to Ed and pulled out a guitar. He starts playing The B- 52's song "Rock Lobster." "We were at the beach. Everyone had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock and there they say a rock. But it wasn't a rock…It was a rock lobster! ROCK LOBSTER." And now it's time for a commercial break. This program was brought to you by the society Fat Sea Creatures. Remember Ride the Walrus. Edward was now feeling better so he got up. He walked over to the window and saw a big crab dancing on a building. It looked like it was after something…or someone. you hear the suspense music from jaws. Then the crab jumps at the window and crashes it. Edward goes flying only to be caught by whom? Of course, Armstrong. "I'll protect you!" Armstrong said confidently. Then Hughes busts in yes I know he's dead! You wanna fight about it?" As I was saying, then Hughes busts in and rips the crabs arm off and starts smacking Armstrong with it. Then Armstrong dies. you wanna fight about it? After Hughes kills the crab and takes it back to the twilight zone with him Ed just falls over dead. Na I'm yankin ya. He was in shock though. It was funny because all of the bits and pieces of Armstrong were still sparkling. Then some random freaky chick walks in and slaps Ed across the face. She stared at him for a while then she turned into a clown. Not just any clown! It's Pennywise the Dancing Clown! You know the one from the Stephen King novel IT He comes every thirty years and eats little kids. "Oh shizit." Ed said. The Riza pops in and caps Pennywise a few times and then leaves. Ed walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He had a green slug on his head. He soon lost track of what he was thinking. He woke back up in Central. Mustang was sitting on the bed beside him. "Oh. So you're awake now." Mustang said. "Yeah what was that thing on my head?" Edward asked. "It was a brain slug. They feed off of thoughts and brain waves." Ed looked over and saw a shoe box on the table it said, "Here lies Edwards Brain slug." "What happened to it?" Ed asked. "The poor thing starved." was Mustangs simple answer. Some random kid bust in and starts singing, "Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack hit you in head with candle stick!" So there ended Mustang's life. No questions asked. Ed walked out of his room to get help. He walked into the hall and saw piles and piles of bodies on the floor, hanging from spikes, and hanging from the ceiling. A small Girl came up to him And said, "Here is something to protect you form the germs….a Harpoon." Ed took the harpoon and the put it down once he saw that it was fueled by nothing other than baking soda. He should have gotten over his fears and kept the harpoon because he got mobbed by none other than germs. He fought his way out of the germs and found a place with shelter there was another person there too. It was some crazy looking girl. "We cheated death, and now we must pay." The girl said. Then something comes up behind her, picks her up and rips her in half. "Helloooo kids I'm Mr. Stay Puff Marsh Mellow Man!" It said with blood dripping from its fangs. It took out a box of baking soda and poured it on Ed. Ed drowned. Yeah I know it was baking soda. You wanna fight about it! HE'S DEAD! DEAD! HE'S GONE! HE DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH! JUST LIKE YOUR DOG!

**That was completely pointless I know. So what you wanna fight about it? Mr. Stay Puff Marsh Mellow Man killed everyone, and then took over the world. Yes I will probably be getting flamed for this. I don't really care. Send them in! But be warned I will send Mr. Stay Puff Marsh Mellow Man on your ass. Don't think I won't I got connections! **

**FIN**


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